You can go ahead and read this article, but don’t watch the film, just don’t do it. I know, you’ll say “but I like bad movies, they’re funny.” Listen to me, this is a mistake you can’t easily recover from. Consider this article a warning. Consider it a public service announcement. Drop the mouse and step away from the computer, if you know what’s good for you.
Porndogs: The Adventures of Sadie was made in 2009 by Greg Boatman, who is hopefully on some kind of watchlist somewhere. The film features a star-studded cast doing the voices of the many different dogs in the film. You’ve got Marlyn Chambers and Ron Jeremy, two giants of the porn industry. Joining them, of all people, is Dustin Diamond. If you are not familiar with his name, he is the young man who played Screech in the runaway hit TV series Saved by the Bell. That’s not all, Heidi Fleiss is in it. She was on the cover of every newspaper in the late '80s. She was the madam of a huge prostitution ring that serviced America’s elite. Too Short, the rapper, is in it, and Paul Rodriguez, the comedian, and some guy who chose to credit himself as Captain Crotchrot. Do you wanna see a film starring an actor named Captain Crochrot? Do you?
The plot is a standard porn trope. A young innocent woman, or in this case a young innocent Labrador retriever, goes to San Fransisco to find herself, and ends up having sex with a whole bunch of low lives. The first 20 minutes of the film is simple exposition where we watch dogs trot through their daily lives while we listen to their internal dialogues. Nothing shocking, just a bunch of very badly written jokes about suburban life and dog food.
Our blonde Labrador protagonist is named Sadie. She is sweet and innocent and ready to make her way in life. She leaves home, and on her journey, the low lives she meets are a series of painful racial stereotypes. I don’t even want to talk about it, but I’ll give you a small sample. Sadie meets a Shar Pei named Mr. Long Dong Fong. He begins seducing her with lines like, “Me ruv you rong time.” Later, she meets a black Doberman who tells her, “Best not be no pound-bait bitch, cuz I don’t want no trouble!” You get the idea.
As if this were not enough, Sadie has sex with all of them and we are forced to watch. Greg Boatman must have thought there were people out there who want to watch two dogs actually having real sex on film. I’m sure there are, but are there enough to fill a movie theater? I’m not talking about quick glimpses of dogs humping, I mean close-ups and cum shots set in decorated boudoirs with soft lighting and mood music. Did you know that dogs engage in cunnilingus? A lot of cunnilingus, like shot after shot of one dog lapping mercilessly between… you know. All this while the characters talk to each other in racist stereotyped dialogue.
The film is not just one sex scene after another, like your average porn. Between sexual encounters, we get to watch Sadie roam the streets while we listen to a winsome singer-songwriter going on about growing up and exploring the world. You thought I was joking when I warned you against this film.
What did Boatman think he was doing, and who gave him money to do it? If you are looking for an off-the-wall comedy, you might think this film could serve up a few laughs, but you would be wrong. You might think it’s a porn film with a funky twist, but it’s not that either. I mean, it is a porn film, sort of, but it’s a dog porn film. With dogs! There is even a lesbian scene. Who knew lady dogs got down like that? Apparently, they do, but I doubt that one of them wears an oversized dildo like the doggy in the film. There’s an S&M scene with a Dachshund that is voiced by someone doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. That’s a treat.
If you make it halfway through the film, there is a special scene waiting for you. It involves a glory-hole and some “comical” cannibalism. Is it cannibalism when one dog eats another dog’s penis? Seems like there should be a special word for that, although I suppose you wouldn’t use it very often.
I don’t know what else to tell you. I’m hoping the trauma of my having seen this will fade. Now that you know this film exists, you can joke about it with your friends, but for God’s sake, stay as far away from it as possible. In fact, you may want to burn your computer after you finish reading this article, just to be on the safe side.
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