So, you want to take over the world, or perhaps the universe? Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to rule the universe? Yes, the title would look impressive on your resume, but think about what it would entail. 

I’m guessing your brand of fun mostly involves killing people and blowing things up. It’s antisocial, but I get it. It’s not for everyone, but you enjoy it. Ruling the world is not really going to involve that much fireworks and slaughter. Yes, your rise to power will be plenty bloody, but eventually, you have to get down to the everyday business of statecraft. Statecraft is a pretty fancy-sounding word, but it mostly mostly it just involves bureaucracy and meetings. You could turn every meeting into a bloodbath and vaporize all the bureaucrats, but then how are you gonna keep track of parking tickets, storm drain capacity, and the budget for landfill maintenance? 

If you want to be an all-powerful ruler, it’s going to involve a lot of paperwork. You need to surveil everyone and track down dissidents. You need to make sure everyone is keeping their little noses to their little grindstones. You need lists of names, places, dates. You need spy networks, and huge sprawling prisons, hospitals, and schools. You need to keep the lights on and the water flowing in a million different places. That means forms, that means permits, that means review boards. You can’t have just anyone building electrical grids or hooking up sewer lines. Maybe on weekends, you’ll find some time to do a little waterboarding, but it will mostly be shuffling papers. Giant, never-ending stacks of papers.

So, here is my suggestion. Put away your plans for world domination. Don’t bother building a doomsday device, or renting out the Jewish space laser. Just announce that you are the ruler of the universe. You don’t have to do anything, just crown yourself king or empress, or most high potentate. Then walk around like you own the place. It would be much better than actually having to do it for real. You could pin medals on your chest and wear a big hat. If you can afford a secret underground lab or space laser rental rates, surely you can afford a chauffeur-driven Lincoln Town Car, so just live it up. If anyone challenges you, you can have your bodyguard beat them up. You can have your violence and eat your cake too, or have your taster eat the cake for you.

Here is how I see it. You can sit in an office and be pummeled by constant requests, countless obligations, and endless meetings, or you can prance around like you're hot shit and hand out business cards that say Grand Poobah of Everything.

Who in their right mind would want the responsibility of ruling the world? "Ah ha!", you say, but you are not in your “right mind.” You are pure evil! It doesn’t matter. You can be a sociopath, psychopath, manic depressive, Trump follower, any kind of crazy you want, but you are still gonna hate the job.

What is it that you hope to accomplish by becoming ruler? Are you going to have an EU sort of situation? Will everyone pay taxes to your personal bank account? I know what you are going to say. You are going laugh an operatic laugh, rub your hands together, and inform me that you are destined to rule an “evil empire.” What the hell is an "evil empire”? What would an “evil empire” look like? Is it a place where everyone is mean and awful? We already have France for that. What is the point of being evil? What does it even mean? As a citizen of Eviltown, would I be obligated to lie, cheat, and steal all day, every day? You don’t need an evil ruler for that. 

In the first Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie, Lord Zed meets Ivan Ooze for the first time and introduces himself. “I am Lord Zed. Sworn enemy of all that is good and decent. It is a supreme honor to finally meet you.” Seems like you are being pretty decent and good to Mr. Ooze. How exactly would a sworn enemy of all that is good and decent act? I guess you would have to be an aforementioned psychopath, but psychopaths are amoral, not immoral. They have no sense of right and wrong. To be evil, you have to understand what evil is and choose to pursue it. You have to see the old lady crossing the street and decide to bite her face off instead of helping her. What will biting her face off bring you other than a nasty mouthful of face? A mugger might steal her purse, but he’s just a selfish guy looking for cash, he is not “the sworn enemy of all that is decent and good.” 

I understand it would be nice to have license to be as greedy, arrogant, and selfish as you want, but what would be the point of creating a nation of such people? Why turn everyone into Republicans? Then what? We ride around in our white supremacist golf carts blasting each other with military-grade automatic weapons and praising Jesus? I guess that kinda sounds fun, but it couldn’t last very long. 

In The Rings of Power, Sauron wants to establish an empire so that he can “cultivate evil.” Does he mean anarchy? A lawless empire wouldn’t be evil, and without laws, it wouldn’t be an empire. You would need laws to enforce evil. Everyone has to say something nasty at least twice a day, step on a few bunny rabbits, and put ketchup on their hotdogs. Evil empires don’t make sense and neither do supervillains. Just stick your nose in the air and act like you’ve already won. Wait, that sounds familiar.

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