Let me begin by offering my kudos to Pornhub for providing a reliquary of obscure pornographic films from all through the ages. Beyond the landing page of MILFs and penis pumps, there is a rich education waiting to be had for anyone who wishes to plumb the depths of the enthusiastically viewed, but publicly maligned world of pornography.
I found a film on Pornhub I thought was entitled Documentary: AI Femsupra Tutorial: Historical Philosophy en Coitus. That was the text that appeared beneath the thumbnail image, but no such title exists anywhere else on the net. Neither the film’s opening credits nor its closing credits were included, so I know almost nothing about Documentary: AI Femsupra Tutorial: Historical Philosophy en Coitus, other than the likelihood that it was made in America in the 1970s, and that Documentary: AI Femsupra Tutorial: Historical Philosophy en Coitus probably isn’t the title.
Whatever it’s called, it is not your average piece of smut. You know it’s something special when find yourself watching a man wearing a Nixon mask and a man dressed as Dracula having acrobatic sex with a young blonde woman, and each thrust of Dracula’s penis is punctuated by a slide whistle.
The film looks like a mess of unrelated porn clips that were strung together using a hastily filmed series of short scenes placed between each clip to make it seem like they are all part of a larger narrative. It is my contention that, in fact, the movie was actually filmed as one production and just looks like a hastily cobbled-together mess, but I can’t prove it.
The premise is that long after humanity has gone extinct, a group of prissy, snobbish supercomputers that look like low-rent R2-D2s manufacture a human female. One of these snooty robots reluctantly teaches her about the messy and grotesque thing called sex. I, too, would be repulsed by sex if it resembled what was depicted in this film. The close-ups are horrendous. Some porn directors can’t seem to get over the fact that they can finally show it all, and so choose to push the camera as close to the action as possible. The result is truly horrifying. Please do not refer to figures 1. and 2.
The movie is made up of the various films the robot shows the woman for her edification. The first is the most interesting conceptually. It takes place in 1950, and stars a greaser and a bobby-sox chick. They go to a make-out place in the hills called The Garden of Eden. This is where it gets layered. The greaser is named Adam, and you’ll never guess what the chick is named. They park beneath a fruit tree where a cigar-smoking half-man, half-snake encourages Eve to sample a fruit. She tastes one and experiences a sexual awakening. While Eve “discovers” herself, Adam steps up to the “fruit” tree and picks a can of peaches that is hanging from one of the boughs. He then proceeds to pour the canned peaches all over Eve, and then start mushing them in places where they should not be mushed, hence the subtitle I gave to this article.
Film clip number two is rendered as a black-and-white, silent-era horror film with inter-titles and everything. This is the one starring Dracula and, what I can only assume is Renfield dressed as Richard Nixon. Since Dracula is immortal and has to constantly recruit new mortal slaves to do his bidding, it seems possible that in the 70s he chose Nixon to be his toadie. Maybe invading Cambodia was just a cover to find Dracula a new source of blood. Spicy, cilantro-infused, sweet chili blood mmm.
Film number three depicts two cheerleaders sent to the locker room to revive a football player who has been tackled into unconsciousness. I’m pretty sure the young lady's method of revival constitutes rape, but when he awakes to find a woman rubbing her vagina on his nose, he doesn’t seem to mind.
Film number four is an orgy between two strippers and a dozen men. The most interesting part of this segment is the fact that one of the strippers is able to blow out matches with her vagina, which seems anatomically impossible.
In between each of these segments, we return to the super-computer and the nubile babe in some sort of spaceship somewhere. The woman has an increasing need to not only learn more about sex, but to experience it. By the end of the film, the robot sees he must resolve the situation, and gives the woman a plastic lightsaber to masturbate with. She has her orgasm, and with it comes a nasty surprise.
Her orgasm erupts in ungodly amounts of gross foaming effluvia that covers everything. Then, as we fight back nausea, the narrator chimes in and leaves us with a question to ponder, “Is this the end of the human race? A gigantic orgasmic explosion returning man to the stars from which he was born? Is this Big Bang the rebirth of mankind?” Mankind, shmankind, as long as the movie is over!
New Information -
Several months after writing this, I discovered the true title of the film and was able to do a little research. The film was entitled Star Virgin and was directed by Howard Ziehm in 1979. Apparently, portions of it were filmed in his garage. Mr. Ziehm is no stranger to the porn industry. He was the auteur who brought the world the wonderful Flesh Gordon and the not-so-wonderful sequel Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders.
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