Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland was written by Charles Dodgson in 1865. Lewis Carroll was a pen name. Over the last century and a half, it has become a staple of the western canon. On Wikipedia, they list 32 different film versions, and on Letterboxd they list dozens more, but mysteriously none of them mention the ones I found. I managed to unearth 4 cinematic corpses from their graves where they had been laying peacefully until I dragged them back into the light. Please accept my apologies.
The first adaptation I found was a pornographic musical entitled Alice in Wonderland. A title given to the film before the age of search engines where unsuspecting tweens might accidentally stumble across it. The second version was Alice in Pornoland, no explanation necessary. Then hidden in unmarked graves near the dumpsters were the twin movies, Alice in Blackland and its sequel Alice in Whiteland. When my shovel hit these two I was afraid to open the coffins but something had to be done to heal America’s race problem and these two films might hold the key!
That makes four corpses but the moonlight fell upon one last crusty gravestone. When I cleared away the leaves I saw that chiseled on the stone in an unsteady hand were the words, Alice in Spermland. I dug all around the area but could not locate a body. The film was a German production but will have to remain the stuff of legend.
I will begin with Alice in Pornoland because you have to begin somewhere. I suppose you don’t have to begin at all. You could watch a nice Christmas movie instead or rearrange the couch pillows, but I took the road less traveled.
Alice In Pornoland
This gem was written and directed by Luca Damiano, a prolific, Italian porn director. He made Alice in Pornland in 1993. The opening scene just dives right in. Alice is lying on her bed wearing nothing but an enormous wig. She gazes down at her body and looks longingly in her mirror. Now, I’m just a regular guy so my knowledge is limited when it comes to these things but I find it hard to believe that when women wake up in the morning and decide to tickle the taco they recite the following lines as Alice did in the movie ”I love to touch myself. I like to caress my smooth skin. How I wish to make love to myself. I desire you my treasure.” Maybe they should.
Near the climax of her manipulations, she is sucked through her mirror and into Pornoland where the white rabbit awaits her. The rabbit has an Indian accent. Not an Indian accent that has resulted from his being Indian, but one that has resulted instead from some numbskull dubbing actor thinking he would bring a little flair to his role.
The bunny brings her to the tea party to meet the mad hatter. The bunny zaps away everyone’s clothing and Alice discovers that there is a funny toy between the mad hatter’s legs! She quickly learns how to play with it while the mad hatter calls out encouragement. The rabbit sits close by and waggles his head while offering color commentary, ”Good, very good, extremely good, excellent.” However, he is interrupted by a booming voice. Suddenly the screen is filled with an unfortunately well-lit close-up of Alice’s private region as it beckons “I’m the ass come here big cock, stick your head deep into the pot.” The ass is interrupted by a slightly higher but still booming voice as the camera mercilessly zooms in closer from a shot that is already far, far, far too close, “No you great cock, forget the asshole and come, Why don’t you attack the twat.”
While still reeling from the unexpected dialogue suddenly the great cock speaks. We see it from a unique point of view. He/it looms large above us as we look out from inside the vagina. He is partially obscured by the labia which frame the lens but when he speaks he has a booming basso profundo that bellows “I’m big and hard, I’ll fuck the pussy first and then the ass!”
Neither Alice nor the Mad Hatter seem particularly upset by the sudden soliloquies emanating from their loins and so get down to business. After their escapade concludes the rabbit immediately hurries Alice off to a grassy knoll where the sleeping dormouse is being ravaged by a panther.
Through moans and many meows, the bestial couple invites Alice to join in and soon everyone’s genitals start talking again. We are also treated to more point of view shots from inside Alice’s torso looking out. While peering out of her anus as the impending penis makes its approach, the lens is framed by something that is unfortunately ragged. It looks as if her anus has gone through some horrific trauma. I think they may have been filming through a hole burrowed in a hunk of bread or maybe torn foam-rubber.
As you fight off the waves of nausea Damiano ups the anti and, and… Hold on I’m gonna need a Xanax to get through this part. The camera zooms in for an extreme close up of Alice stretching and smushing, and pulling and smashing and tugging remorselessly at her beleaguered orifices while they all plead and beg for more. Then the camera starts to rapidly zoom in and out like some 60’s psychedelia sequence. I don’t see why Damiano didn’t just repackage some endoscopies and sell those. It would be cheaper and far less repulsive.
More entertaining than the remorseless talking body parts are Alice’s reaction shots. She looks alternately shocked then concerned and then like she is getting into a very hot bath.
Then there is an orgy with a bunch of singularly unenthusiastic participants that try to fake having sex while actually having sex. They emote a series of exaggerated grimaces as if they are trying to signal their arousal to someone ten miles away. After all the cumshots are shot Alice wakes up to find it was all a dream. Personally, I was never so glad a movie was over. One more talking anus and I would have lost my lunch. This film could be used in Sunday Schools across America to boost sales of promise rings tenfold.
Alice in Blackland
It’s midnight in Alice’s bedroom. Suddenly the hands on her clock disappear and a man appears who refers to himself as Sex Hatter. Alice asks a lot of reasonable questions about why he has broken into her house but Sex Hatter, true to his name, decides to perform cunnilingus in lieu of an answer. I suppose considering the title I should indicate their races. Both Alice and the Sex Hatter are black. They commence to screwing and then we cut to a seemingly unrelated scene of two white men discussing who gets to be the queen of hearts’ boyfriend. Enter the queen of spades. How do we know she is the queen of spades? She is the one wearing a reproduction of the queen of spades taped to her cleavage.
Alice and Mr. Sex Hatter appear in the background and watch the threesome that ensues, but then suddenly we switch to an entirely different scene of a white woman in a bunny costume masturbating to some hard rock music. Like Alice from Alice in Pornoland, the bunny has a particularly expressive face.
Then, continuity be damned, the Sex Hatter shows up in a dashiki and asks where Alice is. Bunny girl doesn’t know so Sex Hatter hops on top of her. Cut to the Queen of Spades in her threesome. Cumshot, cut back to Bunny and Mr. Hatter. Then Alice shows up and watches from behind a statue of a kitty cat, perhaps a reference to the Cheshire Cat who was absent from Alice In Pornland. Enter the Queen of Hearts who is not red but black. She calls for her servant and as they start undressing each other we cut back to the bunny woman who, after having freshly fornicated with the Sex Hatter, commences masturbating again complete with a new array of facial expressions. Then Alice shows up dressed as a bunny and has sex with the Bunny woman on a zebra print slipcover.
Then there is more sex and less continuity until there is a scene where an Elvis impersonator speaking in tongues gets blown by the bunny girl. Then it’s over. Alice wakes up in her bed and we can all breathe a sigh of relief.
Both Alice in Whiteland and Alice in Blackland were written and directed by Duck Dumont, and Charles Webb. Both films were released in 1988, but Whiteland feels like a tired attempt to cash in on the first tired attempt.
Alice in Whiteland
Alice in Whiteland uses the same black actress to play Alice and begins the same way as Alice in Blackland. Alice is awakened by a stranger in her bedroom. This time it’s a white man in a coat and tails who introduces himself as Tea Party. I suppose if someone is going to lead Alice to Whiteland, a man named Tea Party is just the ticket.
After having sex with her he sends Alice to see Arnold who has agreed to teach Alice golf. Sequels are supposed to increase the amount of sex and violence but Whiteland is a pretty bland place with a very thin script. For no apparent reason, the golf scene cuts to an office somewhere. There are two office workers, a man named Lewis and a woman named Carol. Both of them seem to be of Latin origin rather than caucasian. We watch them have sex and then it’s back to Alice.
Alice has been sent to Billy Jean Queen to learn Tennis but Alice and Ms. Queen decide to screw instead. The overall theme in Alice In Whiteland seems to be that white people are vapid and boring. Unfortunately, this is conveyed by making the movie vapid and boring. Whiteland doesn’t have magical people or funny costumes unless you count Izods and penny loafers as funny costumes.
About halfway through the film, Dumont dispenses with the plot altogether and just cross-cuts between different sex scenes in a remorseless montage of gooey moaning. It finally ends when Alice awakes and murmurs to herself, “Whiteland? What next?” Good question Alice, wait ‘till you find out who gets elected in 2016.
Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Comedy
Bud Townsend’s 1976 Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Comedy has something very close to a plot, and actual dialogue from a script. It has hardcore sex as well as whole musical numbers and even a message. It’s almost like a real movie.
If you will forgive my phrasing it’s a coming of age film. Alice is a preachy, prude in need of some lovin’ to loosen her up. She is encouraged by everyone she meets to embrace growing up, but she is also repeatedly warned that she must find a way to keep her youthful imagination lest she become a boring conventional adult.
She gets into a conversation with a rock who convinces her to try masturbating for the first time. She touches her special place and complains, “It isn’t nice.” But the rock replies “Sure it is, Who can say it’s not nice? You’re nice all over. there isn’t one part of your body that is nice and another that isn’t.” So Alice gives it a whirl and a rub until the violins and flutes swell to a “climax.” It’s not exactly arousing but it’s a damn sight more erotic than talking assholes.
Next is the tea party where she spontaneously discovers how to give a vigorous blowjob to the mad-hatter. Then it’s on to Humpty Dumpty who has broken his penis falling off the wall. He says he’s just a shell of a man. Sexy nurses perform a sex show for him but it’s not until Alice shows Humpty some attention that he finally gets a stiffy and everyone celebrates by singing “His dingaling is up!” Then they dance around in circles while Humpty gets ready to hump.
Several sex scenes and musical numbers later we get to the castle and meet The Queen of Hearts and her hubby the king. Of course, the Queen demands Alice’s head but then explains “I don’t want to cut off your head I want you to give me head.” Alice resists and a trial ensues whereupon all the complaints and arguments about giving yourself over to sexual pleasure, growing up, and being imaginative are reiterated.
The whole film feels like it was written by a 16-year-old boy trying to convince his virginal girlfriend to put out. The persuasion takes the form of sympathy “I want this for you. I want you to be happy,” science “it’s not a sin it’s natural,” an appeal to peer pressure “everyone is doing it” and the double bind “Don’t listen to anyone else, just trust yourself” and then finally bullying, “don’t be so immature and frightened, it’s about time you grew up!” All set to music.
Then comes the orgy and Alice goes down on the queen and then tries to escape. Start the funked-out wa wa peddle groove and the running around the forest Scooby Doo montage. Finally, Alice jumps in the lake and awakens back in the real world where her impatient boyfriend awaits. Alice immediately gets to work and we have a soft-focus love-making scene with slow dissolves and winsome harmonica music.
Then the final song plays over images of Alice frolicking in the sun.
“Where are you going girl
Are you lookin’ for a rainbow in the sky?”
You keep on goin’ girl
there’s a good chance you can catch it if you try.”
The song seems predictable but then the next line returns to the mixed messages that plague the whole film,
“Don’t throw away that teddy bear, qupie doll, or childish dare
There’s so much more to life than meets the eye.”
Bud Townsend’s version of Alice in Wonderland is impressive for a film on the margins. The music is not horrible and the singers can sing as well as your standard musical performer. There’s vibrato and projection and all that professional stuff. The acting isn’t good but it’s a whole lot better than most any porn movie I have ever seen. Of all the awful and misguided porn parodies I have endured this one is the least awful and misguided. They can quote me on that for the DVD cover.
Alice in Wonderland and its author have long been the subject of controversy. Lewis Carol has been accused of pedophilia based on his photographs of Alice Liddle and of children in general. Several victorian psychoanalysts interpreted Alice and Wonderland as being a metaphor for sex, but Victorian psychoanalysts thought everything was about sex or cocaine. There is no evidence that proves Carol was a pedophile except that he was a minister which is almost as good as a signed confession. The reputation of Christian holy men goes way back. The confessional booth was created in the 16th century by Charles Borromeo for the express purpose of keeping priest’s dirty, little hands off their parishioners, but that’s a porn musical for another day. I’m hoping to be in negotiations with MGM soon.
The Alice and Wonderland stories have been interpreted as psychedelic drug trips, political satire, sexual metaphors, explorations into the human subconscious, and much more. These four porn films are just another armful of logs for the fire, but you might want to let them dry off before you throw them in. Ew.
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