October 30, 2021

Historical Philosophy en Coitus, or How I Got My Yeast Infection.

Est. Reading: 4 minutes

​Let me begin by offering my kudos to Pornhub for providing a reliquary of obscure pornographic films from all through the ages. Beyond the landing page of Milfs and penis pumps there is a rich education waiting to be had for anyone who wishes to plumb the depths of the enthusiastically viewed but publicly maligned world of pornography.

I found a film on Pornhub I thought was entitled Documentary: AI Femsupra Tutorial: Historical Philosophy en Coitus. That is the text that appeared beneath the thumbnail image, but no such title appears anywhere else on the net. Neither the film’s opening credits nor its closing credits were included so I know almost nothing about Documentary: AI Femsupra Tutorial: Historical Philosophy en Coitus. other than the likelihood that it was made in America in the 1970s and that Documentary: AI Femsupra Tutorial: Historical Philosophy en Coitus probably isn’t the title.

I wouldn’t bother writing about the film if it wasn’t exceptional. You know you’re witnessing something special when you find yourself watching a man wearing a Nixon mask and a man dressed as Dracula having acrobatic sex with a young blonde woman and each thrust of Dracula’s penis is punctuated by a slide whistle.

The film looks like a mess of unrelated porn clips that were strung together using a hastily filmed series of short scenes placed between each clip to make it seem like they are all part of a larger narrative. It is my contention that in fact the movie was actually filmed as one production and just looks like a hastily cobbled together mess, but I can’t prove it.

The premise is that long after humanity has gone extinct a group of prissy, snobbish supercomputers that look like low rent R2D2s, manufacture a human female. One of these snooty robots reluctantly teaches her about the messy and grotesque thing called sex. I too would be repulsed by sex if it resembled what was depicted in this film. The close ups are horrendous. There are some porn directors that can’t seem to get over the fact that they can finally show it all and so choose to push the camera as close to the action as possible. The result is truly horrifying. Please do not refer to figures 1. and 2.


The movie is made up of the various films the robot shows the woman for her edification. The first is the most interesting conceptually. It takes place in 1950 and stars a greaser and a bobby-sox chick. They go to a make-out place in the hills called the Garden of Eden. This is where it gets layered. The greaser is named Adam and you’ll never guess what the chick is named. They park beneath a fruit tree where a cigar smoking half-man, half-snake encourages Eve to sample a fruit. She tastes one and the rest is predictable, except the extensive use of canned peaches in their love making. Adam “picks” a large can of peaches from the tree and proceeds to rub it all over Eve and then start mushing it in places that he shouldn’t, hence the subtitle I gave to this essay.


Film number two is rendered as a black and white, silent era, horror film with inter -titles and all. This is the one starring Dracula and, what I can only assume is Renfield dressed as Richard Nixon. I’m sure its difficult for the immortals to adjust to changing social mores and trends.


Film number three depicts two cheerleaders sent to the locker room to revive a football player who has been rendered unconscious. I’m pretty sure their method of revival constitutes rape but when he awakes to find a woman rubbing her vagina on his nose he doesn’t seem to mind.


​Film number four is an orgy between two strippers and a dozen men. The most interesting part of this segment is the fact that the one of the strippers is able blow out matches with her vagina.


​In between each of these segments we return to the super-computer and the nubile babe in some sort of spaceship somewhere. The woman has an increasing need to not only learn more about sex but to experience it. By the end of the film the robot sees he must resolve the situation and gives the woman a plastic light saber to masturbate with. She has her orgasm and with it comes a nasty surprise.

Her orgasm erupts in ungodly amounts of gross foaming effluvia that covers everything. Then as we fight back the nausea the narrator chimes in and leaves us with a question to ponder, “Is this the end of the human race? A gigantic orgasmic explosion returning man to the stars from which he was born? Is this big bang the rebirth of mankind?” Mankind, shmankind as long as the movie is over!

New Information -
Several months after writing this I discovered the true title of the film and was able to do a little research. The film was entitled Star Virgin and was directed by Howard Ziehm in 1979. Apparently portions of it were filmed in his garage. Mr. Ziehm is no stranger to the porn industry. He was the auteur who brought the world the wonderful Flesh Gordon and the not so wonderful sequel Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders.


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