The story begins when pet shop owner, William Peters, receives a letter from Morocco which the scriptwriter seems to think is in India. The letter is from Maharaja Poon Ja a Hindu sultan who worships Allah. He lives with a bunch of topless women who wear modesty veils over their faces and cater to his every whim. Unfortunately, he weighs about 500 pounds, and as a result, is unable to move around freely. He heaves and rolls on the floor like a crippled and confused elephant seal unsure of how to get from point A to point B.
The letter is an ad for Poon Ja’s Animal Ambrosia. Mr. Peters sends away for it so he can feed it to his animals. It’s hard to follow the film because the audio sounds like it was recorded using a mic wrapped in a towel, a big towel. For some strange reason, the sound is not only muffled but also full of static as if it was recorded off a radio, a radio wrapped in a towel. The point is it is very hard to discern the dialogue, and since it’s dubbed in after the fact there are no moving lips to read. It also doesn’t help that the man who plays Mr. Peters decided to display his acting chops by faking an Irish accent. I don’t know why he chose this route but it sounds like he learned the accent from Lucky Charms commercials.
When the elixir arrives none of his pet shop pets will drink it, so naturally, he takes a helping for himself. He discovers that it can turn him into any animal he wants. Just as he is figuring this out the phone rings, resulting in a curious bout of comical editing. Mr. Peters seems to be able to see the caller on the end by looking in the receiver. It just so happens the caller is a buxom blonde in need of a pet. Mr. Peters hurries over and turns himself into a kitten. We are able to hear Mr. Peters inner dialogue, either that or he is constantly talking to himself. It is impossible to tell the difference since no one’s lips ever move
Mr. Peters has no lascivious motives, he simply wants to research each of his clients in order to establish which sort of pet is best for them. He sees his transmographic abilities as a tool to aid his research. This is a perfect premise for a nudie cutie movie. The key to making a successful nudie cutie is to avoid prosecution for obscenity. To this end, you can show naked ladies, but you can not show them being sexual. Mr. Peters observes his client doing her aerobics, and taking a bath thereby evading the long arm of the law.
The camera cross-cuts between the kitten watching the women and the kitten’s point of view. This means that would-be masturbators must carefully time their arousal or they could be accused of being a petaphile (sorry).
For his second adventure, he turns himself into a goldfish and hurls himself into the ocean where instead of dying instantly he is fished out by a young woman who puts him in a bowl and then strips naked on the beach to lounge around with him. This is where it gets a little odd. She scoops up the bowl and begins flirting with the fish as the bowl rests on her stomach. The result is a unique set of shot reverse shots that probably had Lev Kuleshov spinning in his grave.
After this encounter, there is a scene where Mr. Peters turns himself into a duck to mingle with a skinny dipping woman with very large floaties. Then comes the finale. Peters is relaxing in the desert mountains, as pet shop owners often do, and what should come rolling along but a bevy of nubile babes in a red convertible.
There are three of them. They seem a bit like Greek muses. They exit the vehicle and commence painting and playing the guitar and generally being creative types. Then they all strip and lounge around naked in the sun like the true bohemians they are. Mr. Peters observes them and ponders what sort of pet they would like.
The film ends with Peters at home stroking his pet rabbit (not a euphemism) who turns into a woman in his lap. Apparently, his rabbit somehow got hold of the potion and turned itself into a human, a shapely human. Together they snuggle and read a book which enjoins them to be themselves. With this final lesson, the film comes to a close and all is well, except that rabbit isn’t being itself.
If I am not mistaken the film was directed by Peter Perry Jr. It can be difficult to tell because he used so many aliases when directing. He used Dick Crane for Mr. Peter’s Pets and Peter Perry for when he made Cycle Vixens. He was Seymour Tokus for My Tale Is Hot, Semour Tuchus for Kiss Me Quick, and A.J. Gaylord for Knockers Up. I have actually seen all of the above except for Knockers Up, but I never knew they were all the product of the same auteur. You don’t realize how far gone you are until you read a filmography like Perry’s and discover you have seen most of his work.
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