The only way to make sense of what happened is to just begin at the beginning. I am a cinephile and as such I seek out weird and obscure movies of all varieties. On Saturday, February 29th, 2020 (a leap year) I inadvertently opened a portal to a very long and very deep rabbit hole by typing the search words “science fiction pornography” into my Google search engine. I clicked and scrolled around until I found a link to “The Greatest Sci-Fi Movie Ever.”
It was hosted by a porn site called X Hamster. I clicked on the link and a screen came up surrounded by adds for penis pumps, GIFs of CGI elves violently copulating, and photographs of MILFS who were just waiting to meet me. At the top of the screen was the title of the film but no other information. Not knowing what was about to happen I blithely pressed play. Oh dear god! had I only known!
I started watching and could not figure out what language it was in. It was clearly dubbed, the words did not line up with the motion of the actors mouths. After listening for awhile I thought maybe it was Polish but then it started to sound Arabic so I decided it was Turkish? Considering all the copyright infringement and insanity this film involved Turkey was a likely culprit.
The film opened with bland footage of people dressed in 1980s looking science fiction suits. Then out of nowhere the film cut to some very aggressive, hard core, lesbian pornography. The editors used what I think was a green screen to try and make it look like it the sex was part of the original film, but It was done with the all the finesse of a lumberjack swinging an axe. Then suddenly it was back to bland dialogue followed by some really bad CGI.
Disoriented I had to stop the film and figure out what the hell I was watching. I searched the net but could find absolutely nothing about The Greatest Sci-Fi Movie Ever. I posted on a variety of film-oriented subreddits but no one had seen it, or at least no one wanted to admit that they had seen it. Some redditors helped with the research but no one could come up with anything substantial. After a few hours and watching the rest of the film, this is what I figured out. It appears that The Greatest Sci-Fi Movie Ever is made up of three, possibly four films that have been hacked into pieces and reassembled like some horrific film Frankenstein.
Film Number one is not a film at all but a Canadian Television series called The Starlost: The Invasion. It apparently aired in the 1970s. I found a thoroughly researched article about it by Fred Shahadi who wrote, “nearly everyone involved with the creation of this series has disavowed it with a level of hatred and vitriol rarely seen in anything outside of politics. The legendary creator of the series, Harlan Ellison, took his name off it; the visual effects wizard, Douglas Trumbull, walked away from it; and the scientific advisor, Ben Bova, found his experience so miserable he wrote a comedic novel about his tenure, mockingly entitled, The Starcrossed.”
Disoriented I had to stop the film and figure out what the hell I was watching. I searched the net but could find absolutely nothing about The Greatest Sci-Fi Movie Ever. I posted on a variety of film-oriented subreddits but no one had seen it, or at least no one wanted to admit that they had seen it. Some redditors helped with the research but no one could come up with anything substantial. After a few hours and watching the rest of the film, this is what I figured out. It appears that The Greatest Sci-Fi Movie Ever is made up of three, possibly four films that have been hacked into pieces and reassembled like some horrific film Frankenstein.
Film Number one is not a film at all but a Canadian Television series called The Starlost: The Invasion. It apparently aired in the 1970s. I found a thoroughly researched article about it by Fred Shahadi who wrote, “nearly everyone involved with the creation of this series has disavowed it with a level of hatred and vitriol rarely seen in anything outside of politics. The legendary creator of the series, Harlan Ellison, took his name off it; the visual effects wizard, Douglas Trumbull, walked away from it; and the scientific advisor, Ben Bova, found his experience so miserable he wrote a comedic novel about his tenure, mockingly entitled, The Starcrossed.”
Film number two is some standard issue hardcore porn movie, probably from the later 70s. I could not find out anything from just watching the scenes except that maybe I wanted to be celibate for the rest of my life.
Film number three was an episode of Dr. Who featuring the lovable and dulcet Daleks.
The last film may or may not have been part of the Canadian Starlost series but there was a lot of incredibly bad CGI that had to come from somewhere. This was not just your run of the mill bad CGI this stuff looked like it was made on an IBM from the 80s or a Hewlett Packard Calculator with low batteries, or maybe a slide ruler from the 50s. However it was done, it was not done well. It occurs to me now that the CGI may have been footage that was not fully rendered yet. Perhaps the maniac that made this film got his or her hands on some preliminary CGI sketches and shoved those In.
This is where it really gets weird. The text of the opening credits of the film seem to be made by whoever made The Greatest Sci-Fi Movie Ever. Then that text appears tohave been inserted over the opening credit images for Starlost. I don’t understand it but it’s the only explanation that makes sense. If the credits are to be believed the filmmaker is Damien Green and the film was produced by, forgive me, Big Cock Productions. None of this information is available on IMDB or Wikipedia. If you look up Damien Green you get articles about Damian Green, the Secretary of State in England who was just fired for having pornography on his government computer
I also searched for Big Cock Productions and I did indeed find a facebook page by that name. Here is a passage from the page, “if you have interest working in adult films/photos… let me know! Not all day job but really good job!!! (smiley face emoji).
Research aside, The Greatest Sci-Fi Movie Ever has some very special moments that have to be seen to be believed. I know I said the editor must have been a lumberjack, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a creative lumberjack. There are some truly bizarre methods employed in an effort to “insert” the sex scenes.
There is a scene where a woman is looking at her computer screen with apprehension. We cut to her POV and suddenly a flurry of hardcore sex scenes start floating around on her screen. Cut to a tight shot between a woman’s legs as she heatedly exposes her vagina and begins to masturbate. It is pretty obvious that this is some other woman’s private parts but never the less we cut back to a tight shot of the original woman at the computer with her apprehensive face. Cut to hands furiously masturbating, cut to computer screen, cut to the woman’s face now looking quite upset. I think perhaps the editor figured her distress could perhaps be mistaken for arousal. It could not
This montage continues for awhile using and reusing the same footage. Then we cut to a shot from behind her where the editor uses some kind of digital effect that allows him to freeze certain parts of the frame and primitively move other parts. It looks like stop motion footage of a collage. This technique is used several times to make it look like people are having sex or rubbing themselves. Sometimes pieces of them disappear or blur, it is all very unnerving.
They also use still images as if they are moving footage. It’s hard to explain. There is a uniquely creepy moment when two still images of people stand motionless as cut outs of the woman’s lips float in front of her face as if she is kissing the man in front of her. This two second scene alone would be enough to give Salvador Dali nightmares.
As stated earlier the dialogue that is heard does not relate to the dialogue of the film. When what is being dubbed in is longer than the visuals that the original film provides the editor just shows the footage backwards and forwards over and over until the dialogue is done. The sex scenes are also extended this way. It produces a profoundly disorienting effect.
Then the Daleks show up. They speak in English but it is not the original Dr. Who dialogue, rather they all scream foul mouthed epithets like “We hate the fucking humans, we fucking hate them! Exterminate!
There is no discernible plot. There is very little discernible connection between most of the scenes. The whole film is likely a joke or a prank. By the end of the film I realized that there were many languages dubbed over the dialogue. I was able to hear what was likely Spanish, Italian, Russian, Turkish, Arabic, French and Portuguese. There are English subtitles but I doubt they bear any relation to the words we hear being spoken which in turn have no relation to what the actors are actually saying which was probably originally in English.
Even if this film is just a mash up of rancid ingredients slapped together by a deranged film student with too much time on his hands the end product is singularly arresting. Damien Green may be just a pseudonym but someone has to take the credit or blame for this monsterpeice.
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When I read the title of this post, I didn't think I'd find anything of worth here. Now, after reading this odyssey of a post, I'm compelled to watch it in your honour. The dedication you've put into this is staggering. I will watch it with a tear in my eye, knowing the film will never be as poetic as your words.
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