This completely obscure and bizarre little film was sent to me by an online associate code-named Liquidnuke. I have to admire his courage, it is not everyone who would openly admit to watching, never mind recommending, a film like Tampon Tango. It’s less a movie and more a horrifying assault on your eyes. I may have to bring charges against Mr. Nuke for sending it to me.

A movie like Tampon Tango could only come from Japan. It’s kind of a porn movie, sort of but… Look, every nation has its own special brand of crazy but Japan is … “special.” For example, they have vending machines that sell used schoolgirl underpants. The machines are not hidden away in some shady alley somewhere but are right there in the street for everyone to enjoy. Personally, I’ve always wondered what exactly you get when you buy a pair. There’s no way you actually get used schoolgirl underpants. I’m guessing you get a pair of store-bought underpants sprayed with something awful. Yes, I have spent time thinking about this, it’s a free country.

So, what can I say about Tampon Tango other than to warn you against seeing it? Um, it’s a film within a film sort of thing where we watch a bunch of twenty-somethings set out to make a porn movie. The opening is probably the best part. Yamamoto, The director, addresses the audience directly and brags loudly about how his previous porn movie conquered America and he is poised to launch a second invasion! He simultaneously expresses both hatred for the USA as well as a desire to be the top of the American porn industry. 

Yamamoto’s opening screed is followed by some of the worst porn you will ever see. I have included a collection of stills so you can appreciate the angles the cameraman felt would be the most erotic. I apologize:

The clumsy, awkward sex is the least interesting part. There are random, I don’t know what to call them, random acts of absurdity that pepper the film. A man plays guitar with his penis in the back of a moving van. Two different scenes are interrupted by an actor getting hit with a giant papier mâché meteorite. A man uses a bloody tampon to make a cup of tea, and in the final scene, a giant 15-foot fluffy tampon falls from the sky onto an orgy. I’m guessing none of these things are part of a normal day in Japan, but you never know. Remember the vending machines. Japan also makes a rubber vagina that comes with blood packets that you can insert into its vagina. I have the photos to prove it. Again, sorry:

Look, you’re the one who clicked on an article entitled Tampon Tango so don’t blame me. So who is this Masashi Yamamoto and why is he allowed to roam free? I couldn’t find much information on him but he is still making movies. His most recent film is called Wonderful Paradise and was released in 2020.

If Tampon Tango is about anything, and it probably isn’t, it’s about freedom. Despite it being a disgusting piece of filth it is an enthusiastic film dedicated to joyously breaking all the rules. Exuberant anarchism has its rightful place as a reminder of humanity’s right to express itself and live with joyous abandon, at least until a meteorite or a giant tampon comes hurtling down from the sky and ends it all.

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