Why would you make an X-rated cartoon? I don’t mean the 3D stuff on Pornhub, I mean a Bugs Bunny-style slapstick sex cartoon. Who is the target audience for such a thing? Was it intended for stag parties? Frat parties? Foreplay? I can’t imagine who would want to watch it. The humor is all based on farts and boners, which I suppose would be funny to a 4th grader, but 4th graders are not going to have access to this crap.

Sheena in Wonderland is basically a way of repackaging an Italian cartoon for an American market. The cartoon was originally called Il nano e la strega (The Dwarf and The Witch) and was made in 1973. The director is credited as “Gibba.”

Despite Il nano e la stregaIl being useless and awful, some American opportunist, known only by his pseudonym Eduardo Dinero, bought a print and sliced it up for resale. He hired Sheena Horne to be the live-action host and turned the whole thing into a pornographic Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Poor Sheena has to deliver unbelievably lame jokes throughout the film, but the curious thing is that they are all at the expense of the audience. A cat appears in the cartoon and then we cut away to Sheena who coyly quips, “Well you wanted a show with pussy in it, didn’t you?” She is probably right, that is exactly what the audience wanted, but instead, they are getting laughed at for watching a cheap cartoon.

The cartoon is about Master Limpcock who cannot seem to get an erection. He sends out his servant Little Dick, whose name is inversely proportional to his anatomy, to find the witch Nymphomania. Master Limpcock hopes Nymphomania will be able to cure his impotence. Meanwhile, Nymphomania has been told that if she can manage to have 69 orgasms, she will be transformed from a creepy, green witch into a creepy, blonde bombshell with giant boobs.

As if all the clever names were not side-splittingly hilarious enough, the whole cast of characters end up fucking and sucking and raping and molesting each other in an endless melange of what would have to be termed slapstick sex. There are several pedophile priest jokes, because there’s nothing funnier than priests raping kids. At least it’s true to life.

We keep cutting back to our live-action porn actress for sarcastic commentary, until suddenly a very young Peter North appears. It’s hard to find a full filmography of Peter’s films. He has been very cagey about his career in gay porn before he got into the hetero stuff. Either way, he looks very young in Sheena in Wonderland. In researching him, I found a quote of his that distills a nugget of hard-won and profound wisdom gleaned from “acting” in 2,588 porn films, “When I'm with a woman who doesn't excite me, I try to use my imagination. Sex is not just physical, it's also mental.” Thanks Peter.

As Peter kneels before Sheena trying to insert his tongue between her closed legs, Sheena turns to the camera and says, “Well you didn’t think I was sittin’ here watchin’ the cartoon did you?” Implying that only a fool would do that.

Then we have a live-action sex scene between Sheena and Peter. There is no sound during the encounter. No “oohs” or “ahs”, no music, no squishy effects, just complete silence. When the sound comes back. we go straight back to the cartoon for 10 minutes and then it's back to another live-action sex scene, but this time Sheena is with a new guy. For this second encounter, the sound is intact and we can clearly hear the director telling the “actors” what to do, including an order to “fake it!”

The cartoon drones on and eventually the witch and the dwarf have to make a climactic choice. They can both be beautiful, but Prince Little Dick will have a little dick, or they can continue being ugly and Prince Little Dick can have an enormous dick. They choose the big dick and fuck happily ever after. I suppose it’s a little like Shrek.

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