Are you tired of movies that constantly harp on racism? Movies that are not in line with good Christian values? Do you stand in defiance of cancel culture? Are you waiting for someone to finally acknowledge that the baby-eating Satanists on the left side of the aisle are trying to destroy Christmas? Well, never fear! Avenger Dogs Christmas is the answer to your pious, self-righteous prayers. It’s a sci-fi, talking animal, CGI cartoon that delivers a Marjorie Taylor Greene-inspired vision of the apocalypse. Sound like fun? Weee! Let's go!

Where to begin? We start off with a lesson in white supremacy as encoded by a dim-witted horse named Muffin and a friendly dog named Sky. They are taking a leisurely walk in the snow as they enjoy their Christmas vacation.

Sky: “The IAA doesn’t really pair dogs with other species, Muffin, but we definitely can operate in parallel enforcement branches.”

Muffin: “Woah, enforcement branches? You mean like tree climbing? No way, not for this horse! Heights are not for me.”

Sky: “No, Muffin, heh heh, I don’t mean tree climbing, heh heh, I mean different departments. We call them branches. Like similar functions or subjects, workers or goals that are grouped together.”

Muffin: “Oh, huh, I get it. Kinda like us thoroughbreds stick together, and the quarter horses stick together too.” 

Sky: “Sure! Probably because you guys have similar interests, habits, or you just like each other's company.”

  Soon after their walk in the woods, Muffin and Sky find themselves on a spaceship orbiting Earth, where Captain Canine explains to Sky and some assembled dogs that Muffin is not allowed on the bridge and must stay in the lounge while the canines talk shop. “Canines! As you know, we avenger dogs are an elite breed, a brotherhood and sisterhood unlike any other, and outsiders stay outside.”

Of course, our dog heroes need a supervillain to foil, and she comes in the form of an evil armor-wearing tigress named Inala (a name that sounds vaguely Wakandian). She, like all supervillains, wants “the total annihilation of the galaxy as we know it.” Why, you ask? So she can rebuild it in her image and, most importantly, banish Christmas forever. Of course, she has to have an aristocratic English accent. She even rolls her Rs. We are spared the obligatory maniacal laughter, but the writer lays on the alliteration pretty thick. “Now, let us touch down on terra firma and catch up with that sniveling sabertooth, Saber. That duplicitous dolt gives big cats a bad name.”

After the initial novelty of all the conservative claptrap wears off, there is very little else to keep you watching. The movie is 98% conversation. There is no action, there is barely even walking, or running, or jumping, or eating, or nose picking. Just one shot-reverse-shot exchange after another. It’s deathly boring. I don’t know how a child would be able to sit through it. Maybe it isn’t made for children, maybe its target audience is the geniuses at the Proud Boys clubhouse, or those racist, rude rogues ruthlessly wriggling in the Oath Keepers' creepy, cavernous man cave. 

Anyway, the dog supremacists save Christmas from the clutches of evil liberals so Christmas can be celebrated by every good American. It won't be long before Lauren Boebert and her Jesus horde make Christmas compulsory. Once passed, it may require some “culling”, but you should be safe as long as you have a fully decorated Christmas tree in your window.

I looked up the “director” of Avenger Dogs Christmas on IMDb. The entry said that “Jacob Trill is known for Avenger Dogs Christmas (2020)” I’m wondering what they mean by “known.” The writer thought it best to credit him or herself as B.C. Fourteen. You’ll be excited to hear that there are more films in the series. There is Spacedogs II: Tropical Adventure, Space Dogs Adventure on the Moon, Wonder Dogs, and more. Personally, I will have to politely push my chair away from the table, having had my fill.

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